Saturday, May 14, 2011

Blogger gone bonkers?

Couldn't post anything at all in blogger today, until 5 mins ago that is.

Then I found out that I lost 2 of my previous posts. So I copy pasted them and reposted them.

Ain't that weird? Losing posts straight after blogger's supposedly better maintenance or whatever they wanna call it.


To make things worse, I am sleepy but I can't sleep.

Oh dearrrr...Gonna be one damn long niteee..

How to handle subordinates??? Part 1

One thing I noticed recently is that the increase in traffic flow into my blog has one thing in common. They are all related to the title listed above:- How to handle subordinates???

Have you guys ever take note on how subordinates behave? Is that the norm really? Or have we failed to notice it until our recent promotion to a Managerial post? Let's face it. We don't really care until we are in the position of a Manager or Leader. That's when we notice things like that. Because we are in the position to lead, we need to manage people. That's when we realized how difficult human beings can be. And I assure you, the most difficult thing to manage in a Project (regardless of what form of business you do) is humans. Time is a factor, yes. We cannot turn back time. BUT we can manage time because time doesn't have a behavior. It just goes on and on and waits for no man. Time doesn't stop. Time doesn't swing right or cuts to the left when you least expects it. Time just keeps moving forward even if the sky falls apart. So, we can divide time up into small chunks. We can race against time. Think up methods how to beat time. But humans are not time. Unlike time, humans can pose to be the most challenging and demanding creatures. If you know how to deal with them, or even pat them into submission, then you are a winner.

But if you are in the position where you need to submit to their demands, complaints, whining... all those miserable squabbles, then you are ... erm... you still have a long way to go. But you will get there, eventually.

Being the boss/Manager/Leader is no easy task. Do you have the natural talents to be a leader? Does people acknowledge you? Are they willing to follow your lead? Are they willing to die for you? Whoa! That's dramatic! Walk on broken glasses and through fire with you? Just where do you stand? What qualities do you have? You need to do a lot of self assessments before you can even talk about handling subordinates. There are lots of soul searching to do here. Do you have what it takes to manage people and lead them?

Once you know yourself well, then, only then you can start assessing other people. In this case, your subordinates. Rule number 1 here is : Judge yourself first. Determine your strengths and weaknesses. Where do you stand? Are you pragmatic? Fair? Do you pick and choose? Stern? Do you plan things out?

Why are these important? Subordinates bicker when they feel that you are not qualified to lead or manage them. They will show disrespect, throw tantrums like kids, trying to be difficult and unreasonable. Of course. Nobody is perfect, not you, not them. All you can do is improvise. How you improvise and when and where is another different issue. The question is : Are you willing to do what it takes to improve? Are you willing to trudge along, to observe and learn? Handling subordinates is a long winding journey. It takes a lot of patience, observation, trial and error before you can get it right, or at least, get the hang of it.

I'll stop here for today. For those of you who has questions, do feel free to pose them here. Assist you I shall. ;P Hope this helps.

Posted Thursday May 12, 2011

Fast and Furious 5 - Just another movie...

Just came back from The Spring. Watched Fast and Furious 5. ;)

Was good. At least it was worth the RM11 I paid, but the first 5 mins was soooo fake. Wait, was it the first 5 mins? Ok, minus that and some unbelievably over-exaggerated scenes (like how you can get two sport cars to pull an over 10 Tonnes bank security vault all over the places, while using it as a weapon, leaving a long trail of destruction in its wake). Come on, that was sooo ridiculous and downright fake. Duh... but it's enjoyable while it lasted... at least it got me glued to my seat despite my urges to pee...

Noticed the resemblance of the scenes of Rio with the cartoon movie, Rio. Wait, it IS the same place!!! Wow. I thought I was dreaming.... tralalalala..


Vin Diesel - the killer voice, the smirk, the muscles *shrieks*
The Rock - what was his real name again?
the speeding, screeching, engines roaring...
the thrills, AANNNDDD..
the absurdity of everything,

Heck... half of the movie feel so unrealistic ---> fake, fake, fake


it was still a good watch.

The way how they killed the bad guy was such a joke. Wham! Dead. So lame! Duh.

The fighting scenes where Vin Diesel wrestles The Rock is awesome. Haha..

So, if you're looking for some time to kill, be ready to get amused. This is one of those unbelievable shits that miraculously smells nice...

I rate this 8/10. Yeah..

Posted Thursday May 12, 2011

Friday, May 6, 2011

Another battle...

Feels kinda contented today. And relieved. Yeah, relief and contentment. Contented cause I still have it. Could still pull it off. I haven't lost my touch. Not at all. I'm still good at doing what I do best.

*paused to think*

Is that even possible? Feeling relieved and contented at the same time?

I attended a Coordination Meeting with the Main-Con today. The room was jam-packed with Sub-Cons and PMT [Project Management Team] staffs consisting of Engineers, Site Supervisors, Project Manager, bla bla bla yadda yadda yadda - you get the drill.

Anyway, the Meeting wasn't pleasing. It was far from that. It was ugly and downright nasty. Confrontations, accusations, disputes, squabbles... How much worse can it get? And I took major part in it. Tried every "nice" moves in my 'dictionary'. Tried to be diplomatic, respectful, sincere, heck, even pragmatic but none of them worked cause one asshole of a Sub-Con kept pestering me with accusations and insults.

Well... I tried to be civilized, but oh well, he wanted it the bad, hardcore way. Guys can be such an asshole, chauvinist pig.

I resorted to intimidation. Disrespect. Even ridiculed his command of English. He asked for it. And he deserved it. Deserves it still. Will give him TONNES of it if he doesn't back off. He got so pissed... or was it humiliated? I can't really tell and honestly I don't give a damn. He walked out in the middle of the meeting. And the rest of the people in the Meeting room smiled and shook their heads. Whoa!

The Meeting proceeded without much problems from then onwards. It really proves who the real troublemakers are. I got what I went there for. And for that, I am glad, relieved, and contented. Tonight, I'm sure I can sleep better. That's one huge weight off my shoulder!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Is that really me?

Hello again world. It has been ages since I last dropped by. So much has changed then, it never really occurs to me that whatever I posted once a long long time ago here, was - no, IS still here, really.

Spent the last few hours reading my own blog. Just surfing randomly. A jump here, and a little peeking there. I gotta say, I barely recognize this fellow. I barely recognize myself.

She sounds like a stranger to me. In fact, I'm not even sure if I can ever write as good as I could, as she could. Perhaps I have changed. Perhaps time has changed me. Perhaps circumstances changed me. Perhaps...

I have grown up.

Why? I worry about different things now. I think about different things now. I do things differently now too. I changed the way I talked, my thinking processes, my dreams, my desires.

Even the way I write is different now. I'm pretty sure they are not as creative, imaginative, emotional, wild and as intriguing as before. There is a high possibility that they actually sound quite boring.

Do I care about that? Not really. Just stating the obvious. Does it bother me? Nah, it doesn't. Why should it?

I've changed. I've matured - maybe just a tad bit. But right now, that's enough.

Would I take up blogging again? Maybe yes, maybe no. No promises there. I may come back here in another 3 years time and exclaimed, Man! I totally forgot about this blog!

Thought about posting some articles here once in a while. I admit, I do miss the good ol' days.. blogging, thinking about home sweet home, missing my family and all that. Don't get me wrong, I still love my family. I miss my mum and sisters whenever I go traveling, and I do miss my late Father the most, but there's nothing much I can do about that. Life goes on. I have to move on. But I will always hold him dear in my heart. Promise. *pinky shakes*

A-haks. That's a bit of the child in me poking up. Maybe I am still her after all. d^___^b

Won't post much now. Have to work. QS job really. The truth is, I hate calculating materials. I prefer to have the QS do that, but I have not been able to find a reliable one at the moment. So, I have to do the calculations myself. It's a pain in the ass because I have been running all over the place, daily. I wish I have as much stamina as I did before. Age is catching up to me.

Oh yeah. Latest update. I have been busy since April last year. It started off at a good pace, and slowly ride up a thunderstorm. Working on several projects right now. Formed my own construction company too. Being a boss is not - I repeat, NOT easy!!! Problems pop up every now and then which really saps every remaining energy I have in my mind and body. Everyday.

Note to self : n.e.e.d...a...b.r.e.a.k.

Unfortunately, I won't be getting that anytime soon.

Gotta wake up super early tomorrow for a Labour Day's function on my site. *sigh* It's gonna be another long morning.

Well, here's to hoping that you will see me here again, soon!

KiBiKiBi - signing out ;P

Monday, November 9, 2009 in Spanish????

Whatever happened to Why has it defaulted to Spanish instead of English??? Hello you dungheads at, in case you are not aware of this, I do not speak, read nor write in Spanish so... why would I continue using Histats in Spanish??? When I first installed it, it was in English!!! Seriously, don't you people have brains??? Like, brain cells that really, truly works??? Do you sincerely believe that I speak, read and write in Spanish?

Wait. Don't tell me. You do.

*deep breath*

Ok. I get it. My bad. I'll change. Don't need Histats anymore.

*note to self : Remove unnecessary stuffs written by morons for morons*

That reminds me. Gotta remove that dang Microsoft Office 2007. *BIG SIGH*

Please lar Streamyx, RIP!!! No one will miss you!

I woke up in confusion this morning because some morons disrupt my sleep 8++ in the morning. The first thing I saw when I opened my front door is the TM's van. Then realization hit me : Uh.. so there wasn't any prob with the port?

You see, last night I couldn't browse at all. I was connected but cannot browse. My modemn was fine but browser showed Loading loading loading... Tried for several hours still cannot load, then eventually I called 100 to complain. The lady in charge checked things for me and then confirmed that my port was down. I suspected it was the port because I checked with my friends who live within the vicinity and they do not have browsing problem. Ok. Port prob verified. Here's what ensued from the conversation with the TM's customer service 'officer' :-

Me: So it's a port prob?
TM: Yes. Your port is down. That's why you cannot surf.
Me: When can they fix it?
TM: I'll send technicians over tomorrow to check. It's too late now, cannot check.
Me: Check port ka?
TM: Yeah. Port.
Me: Where's the port?
TM: Kuching.
Me: Kuching where?
TM: ...
Me: Where's THE port?
TM: Erm..

(By this time, I was so irked, I understand how 'ignorant' people can be, so I kindly supplied an EXAMPLE)

Me: My house??
TM: No no no. Not your house.
Me: This port prob, is it my prob or TM's prob?
TM: TM's prob. Port is inside the server. Server is TM's, so it's TM prob.
Me: How long would it take?
TM: ...
Me: When can I use my internet???
TM: Cannot say.
Me: ... !@%#@%%&%#%$#@%!!!!!!!
TM: Anything else?
Me: Please fix it, otherwise I potong line lar. Tulan!

You'd think that's the end of the story right? Nope. The technician came, without calling, no appointments, no manner, acting as if I owed them a lifetime of debt. They were on their way into my house when I stopped them and asked them:-

Me: You checked the port already?
TM technician: What port?
Me: What are you here for?
TM technician: Check your stuffs.
Me: The lady last nite told me she'll send you guys to check the port. Have you checked the port?
TM technician: Check your house first then we go check port lar.
Me: I cannot let you in.
TM technician: Then we go lar.

Aiyah... go lar go lar. Ma cheebye. Come uninvited still wanna act macho and heroic. Bo-kah-see some more. Ptui!!!!!

I called 100 again and this time, the lady in charge (damn sombong some more) insisted that their technicians are the best when I complained about their competencies in their jobs. She couldn't answer me when I asked her why were they at my house and not checking the port at their server. She couldn't answer me regarding the procedures in these matter. She couldn't answer me anything. And she had the nerve to ask me what else I want. I want you damn assholes at TM to do your fucking job!

I tried browsing after that and luckily I could browse. Went to streamyx website, read on their troubleshooting shits, customer services shits and Fair Usage Policy shits. When I tried to summit a complaint, the site won't budge. So I e-mailed them the following. Guess what. I did not get a reply from them and my line works beautifully throughout the day without interruptions whatsoever. Kanneh Streamyx. You really enjoy being tiaw huh????

PORT problem (URGENT)

I went here
just now and filled in the form and found that I cannot summit it. Can you tell me why I cannot summit it??? So I resorted to e-mail.

Sender's Full Name
Sender's Full IC No.
Sender's e-mail address
Sender's landline No.

Complaints :

I've been having problem browsing internet for several months and lately, it was so ridiculous I cannot stand it anymore. I checked your troubleshooting site and found that I have no problem with faulty telephone lines (my line is good), wrong hardware set up (my hardware is set up properly cause it can definitely browse), modemn (cause I'm not having connection prob, my prob is I cannot browse!!), OS network configuring system (my Primary DNS: and Secondary DNS: which are both correct), antivirus/anti-spyware/anti-adware software from time to time (my antivirus & anti-spyware are up to date), incorrect browser configuration (no proxy setting and no default dialler), invalid login id or password (my id and password are working just fine).

It took me ages (few mins to few hours) just to load a page at times. I cannot check e-mails too or login to facebook.

I suspect the prob is a port prob so I called 100 last nite to check and the lady verified that the port at TM's server was down. I asked her why is it down she said dunno. I asked whether that is prob at MY side or SERVER side she said Server. Said she'll send technicians to check on the port the next morning.

Since it is obviously the port prob, then your technician should work on the port at your server. But no, they came early this morning, without calling whatsoever and demanded to check my house system. When I asked whether they have checked the port, they said they wanna check my house FIRST before checking the port. Since it was confirmed through your system checking at 100 last nite that your port was down, why don't you go check on your port first? Is TM trying to be funny in providing its services? Or are your technicians trying to be funny? I refused them entrance into my house because I do not trust them.

I am very disappointed with the way TM handles this. You do not solve problem but instead beat around the bush and try to do it the long winding difficult ways that inconvenienced the customers.

What Fair Usage Policy? I can't browse at all most of the times. Let alone download things.

Please bear in mind I'm not having connection prob. I AM CONNECTED. I just cannot load pages. CANNOT BROWSE. Just blanks. Sometimes can browse (half an hour or 1 to 2 hours, then cannot load at all. If I get lucky, I can browse, but VERY VERY VERY SLOW. SLOWER than dial-up connection!). Don't try to be funny with me : I know you can check everything from your server so go and do your work. I've checked everything so why don't you do your share. Go check your port please. Fix it. I'm paying every month to browse. I do not pay NOT TO browse. Get it? If you cannot solve this, forget it. I'll close account. End of story!

p/s : Your customer service at 100 was lousy. You think keeping quiet can solve prob? That your prob will disappear into thin air? And she insisted that the technicians are the best. If best then why give funny story? She just said need to check check check. By the time you finish checking when would that be? Months???? They don't know why the port is down and they wanna check my end? They cannot tell me why the port is down but they are the best technicians? What a great service. You have something funnier to tell me?? I can't wait. Enlighten me. I wanna see your reply.

Thank you.

Very Irritated Customer

Saturday, November 7, 2009


OMG!!!! My Page Element has gone nuts!!! What am I to do??!!!??? What happened to it during my absence? I can't even re-arrange anything!!!!

Future plans

I'm a bit kay-poh lately so just let me release my stim and rant to my satisfaction, ok?

If you are a frequent reader, you would have realized by now that this year spells disaster for me. I'm jobless, penniless, useless, helpless, hopeless, partner-less, fruitless and yes. The list goes on. You can add on whatever '-less' ending word that you can think of. I believe they will suit me just fine.

The last blow was the departure of my Daddy to be with God. Awww. And before I realized it, I have more or less learn to accept this great lost, all within the span of 1 year. Am I just damn strong and tough or am I just heartless?

Frankly, I don't know the answer. But one thing I do know is that I have to move on. It pains me not being able to contribute to my family in this time of dire needs. My joy of eating has dissipated (whatever left of my appetite is just mere shows to cover up my heartache) and I have shed off the plumpness from my body. My mind is always filled with money money money. Hence, the silly money post just now, ahaks!

I need a job where I can be close to my family and be there for Mum 24/7. I cannot do outstation jobs and I do believe I've turned down more than enough share of jobs to get my name blacklisted in the market. Problem is, most developments are done in rural areas and that spells o-u-t-s-t-a-t-i-o-n. That's kind of a taboo word for Mum cause Daddy used to do outstation jobs thus didn't spend much time with us. Plus, I have the same profession as Daddy so practically speaking, that is like adding salt to open wounds. Mummy cried again this morning when signing the name transfer of properties documents. T_T

While searching for a job, I reckon it would be good to get back to writing. My blog is kinda messy after months upon months of neglect. I do hope it can generate an income sufficient to get me by, at least for the moment while I work on stuffs.

By now I'm already so dehydrated watching with my own eyes how all of my hard work went down the drain. It's high time for a change.

Still, changing is difficult, especially in the midst of ... well, hell? By the very least, I can truly enjoy blogging. I love writing but I've noticed how darkly my writings were as of late. I can't really help it, what with all those unfortunate shits happening in my life and all. But I'm trying to tone things down and focus on more, educational stuffs.

I'd probably sign up with nuffnang too. And go back to reading blogs. I haven't read blogs in ages. When was the last time I read a blog? 4 or 5 months ago? I did drop by cause his blog uploads fast without pictures. And his posts certainly entertained me.

Currently trying to decide whether to do Master in Business Administration, or Master in Management, Master in Project Management or Master in Science or Master in Engineering. Then there's the University selection process to ponder on.


I'm really trying to get my life back on track. Believe me. Picking up all the broken pieces and stitching them up together is no easy task. First task is trying to cry less. In my case, it's more or less accomplished, except for the occasional burst of tears. I wish I could rip out my tear ducts. That way, nobody can tell that I'm crying. Or had been crying. Haha

Well, if you have any tips on how to make money from home then do let me know. I do need the cash badly and I'm sure you can judge from my writings that I am, capable of writing! ;P

Where's my moolah??

Moolah? What's moolah?

Aiyer. Like that also don't know meh? Money lar, what else.

Money? Moolah is money? Err.. Why don't they just call it money?

Ok. Here's why. Moolah is a slang for money. Why use slang when you can say money? Maybe they just wanna 'spice up' the word? Add more feel and coolness to it? Increase ones mojo? There are people out there who feels damn special for being able to spew cool, alien words to their moronic bunch of 'so called friends'. But then again, sometimes this may not seem to be the case. Perhaps the word has gone through extensive-fast-forward revolution. Like the word 'google'. Google was a search engine, don't get me wrong, it IS still a search engine, but nowadays, people tell you to 'Google for it' instead of 'Go to Google and search for it'. Instead of a noun it has now become a verb. Awesome huh?

On the other hand, perhaps some people perceive money or the sign $$$ as a taboo word. I, for instance hate money. Why? I associate money with problems. Money is the cause of all the crimes and bad things in the world. People kill for money. Rob banks for money. Fight for money, worry about money, quarrel over money and disputes over money. Sold their lives, bodies, souls and dignities for money. Do everything for money. Just take a look at the Fear Factor shows. They'd eat tarantulas, scorpions (alive man!!!) and even shit for money. Heck, they'd swallow stuffs people vomit out just for money. Kill babies for money (Google for melamine if you don't know what this mean *rolls eyes*) and sell fake eggs (in China, fake eggs are mass produced using chemical substances and sold for as low as 0.05 yuan compared to a real, fresh egg that costs over 1 yuan each). Is that how much humanity is worth??

You don't believe this? Let's say I'm a crazy multi-billionaire and I told you I'd give you 1 million dollars if you'd just let me cut off your pinky, study your reaction and then have my personal surgeon re-attach your pinky back for you. And you can do this over and over again. I'll just pay you up with cold hard cash at the end of each session. And countless people can join up. It's for my special studies. I'll publish it, make money out of it. And guess what, there will be viewers. Who wouldn't want to watch that? Now, the question is : Would you do that? Let me cut your pinky. After all, it's just a pinky. You certainly won't die. Right? You get 1 million dollars cash each time you cut off your pinky wor! Guaranteed wor! Would you or would you not do it? I bet thousands of people would queue up from Kuching all the way to Singapore JUST to have their pinkies cut off and then re-attached back. And they get paid 1 million each. Why not?

Too bad I'm not a billionaire. Maybe this is a good thing. If I were a billionaire, imagine all the sick ideas I have that I can actually do. OMG! This is so sick!!! I'm damn sure I can beat Fear Factor. Damn. Where's my moolah??? Come quick lar. I wait till knees kejang already!

Disclaimer : Nobody has been harmed in the production of this article. The so-called facts written here are based on rumors flying in the air at current time of publishing. If you wanna believe what you read, believe. If you don't believe, then don't believe. The writer or this blog never forces anything down your throat or into your mind. So read, laugh and admire. Or fuck off. Or whatever.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Better days ahead?

Lately I have been more complacent. Is that the right adjective to use? I'm not sure. Maybe it is wrong to say that I'm 100% complacent, but I did say I have been more complacent. That surely counts as an improvement, no?

Why did I say this? Well, I used to brood over every little things that upset me. I had so much pent up stress, I believe it is enough to explode and cover half of Sarawak with hot, molten lava. Yes, I miss Daddy very much and yes, I have so many regrets. So many things not accomplished. I haven't got a bf, get engaged, get married, have kids, build a family. My career has not reached its peak at all. I have not given Daddy the happiness of having a son-in-law or grandchildren. And I'll never have that chance. I'll never see him smiling at me ever, telling me how proud he is of me and how everything will turn out right and okay. I'll never hear him sigh again, or how excitedly he tells all of us about his latest purchase of Rolex watches, antiques, DSLR cameras, binoculars or even telescopes. I'll never hear his laughter or devilish chuckle of delight against our antics. I'll never talk to him, hug him or tell him how much I love him. I'll never get to tell him to just let go of his work and come home sooner, quicker and more frequently. I'll never get to call him and complaint about everything. I'll never have someone like him to ask about advice or anything ever. I really miss him. And tears rolled down my face even as I'm typing this.

But now it's different. There is peace from within. There is no anger nor sadness. Just longing and acceptance. Regrets I'll learn to live with. And I will be stronger. I'm deeply comforted that Daddy did not suffer while departing from this world. I'm somewhat glad that we did not see this coming at all. Life is such a mystery. We never know what we had until we have lost it. We always took things for granted. Never cherishing them while they are still there. How can we be so ignorant?

Recently I've watched TV, youtube, anime and countless of movies. I've dug up all of my mp3 collections and listened to them, remembering why I loved those songs, and love them still now. I'm marvelled at how much feelings I had then, for music and anime. How much I treasured letters, and tiny little gifts friends give me. I never threw them away. My room is packed mostly with books and stuffs dating back to my childhood days. I still have the RC car that Daddy bought me for my 4 year old birthday. If I can find the battery that suits it and plug it in, it'll definitely run like it was brand new. I still had drawings I drew when I was 14. I never wanted to throw them away. To me they were precious. I cannot bear losing them, not seeing them ever again.

That sounds silly doesn't it? How many people does that anyway? It's such a waste of time and room area. Pua Chu Kang's wife Rosie once scolded him, 'Keep keep keep! Can turn into gold meh?'. That phrase rang so true. Sure, these things won't turn into gold, but it is the feelings engraved that makes it priceless. It is the memories that makes things meaningfull. It is the song that was playing at that particular moment that brings back the memories of yesteryears. Somehow you can't help but being transported back into that time, that moment, that place. Somehow you cannot help but remembering all of your feelings, senses, thoughts and wishes then. It was magical.

For me, I'll always carry all these wonderful memories with me. I may curse and scream and shout and threaten to kill every morons in the world that gets in my way but the truth is, I am a softy at heart. I get angry easily because I'm sensitive. I feel so much, so strongly that it is unbearable not to show any response whatsoever. Over the years though, I've learned to keep things to myself. Things no one would understand. I stopped expecting anyone to understand. I stopped hoping someone would. It is better to let go and move on. Life seems easier that way. I can breath more easily. Not some laboured breath clouded with disgust that no one seems to understand.

So what now? I wanna live life to its fullest. I don't stop living just because something bad happened. I'm tough. And I will go on writing. Come to think of it, I haven't written much in the past few years. I read some of my earlier postings years back and I can't help but laugh at the absurdity of my postings. Some of them were so angry and dark, but surprisingly funny in its own little manner. I longed for the time when I used to write about cute, happy stuffs. I miss those times when nothing seems to worry me and troubles would just go away if I wished for them hard enough. I will survive. Somehow.

Am I comforting myself? In a way, perhaps I am. And for those who has ever felt the way I felt, take heed - if you can live through this, then you shall emerge stronger. We are molded, trained into stronger beings through various life experiences. Someday, we'll make those who meant a lot to us proud. This is life. The better days are yet to come. I'll wait till that day comes. Would you?

p/s: Pa, I love you and always will be. You are the greatest Dad alive and if I'm ever given the chance to choose, I'll always want you to be my Daddy, thousands of lifetimes over. No one can replace you. That's how precious you are to me. So rest in peace and don't worry about us. Luv ya!

Official Cactus Killer

Oh dear. Remember the cactus that I so proudly presented last month? Uh.. they all died. All except two. In fact, those two survived cause my sisters saved them. Yeap - my two youngest sisters. Every last bit of cactus that fell prey into my hands died a miserable, insignificant death.

Please forgive me minna. I killed you. Yes. I'm a murderer. A cold hearted one at that.

And strangely, I do not feel... horrified. I do not feel sorry at all. Sad yes. Sorry? Nope.

Did I deliberately do that? *evil grin*

Maybe yes. Maybe no. They aren't tough. That's why they died. Not my fault. Right?

My youngest sis would probably accused me of killing them. On purpose.

'You didn't water them for one whole month!!!'

'Hmmm. I thought cactus do not need that much water. They ARE cactus, not ordinary plants lar.. they'll survive..'

'They still need water!!! Baka!'


Maybe she's right. I'm such a baka. Either that, or I simply don't care at all.

I'll probably sneak into her room to take pic of her baby cacti. It has sprouted cute tentacle-like shoots on its top. It looks like a snail's head to me.

Alas, internet connection has been slower than snails. Pictures up soon. I mean, as soon as I could upload them. If not, you'll just hafta keep waiting!


Thursday, September 24, 2009

2009's nightmares... (Part 1)

Warning : Very long and emo post. Get lost now if you can't deal with it.

Just got back from a week long trip to Sibu with my family and Uncle. It was supposed to be a vacation of some sort. Turns out that it pumps more pressure into my system or perhaps I was on the verge of explosion.

The trunk road was packed full of morons who drive recklessly, as if the whole stretch of the bloody road belongs to their idiotic parents. You wondering why I called them morons and idiots? Who the fuck drove 30 or 40 km per hour on a highway road? And yeap, they have 13 cars following them up closely, each of them having cooked up enough temperatures to melt a steel! I am one of those who had boiling blood. And I would have just run down those sorry excuses of assholes if I was driving a 20 foot trailers to boot. The morons always switch ON my anger button. Without fail. Ptuiiii!

Maybe I've gone crazy due to over-depression or disappointments. Nothing seems right. Everything has gone wrong. Everything that looks promising, good and feasible has gone terribly wrong. My disappointments gave birth to suicidal thoughts. Funnily enough, I actually considered, seriously, considering the idea of committing suicide; should I hang myself? swallow 1000 tablets of pills? drink pesticide? but pesticides are yucky, so I most probably won't do that. jump off a cliff? or river? or building? would Wisma Sanyan be high enough to give me the last few seconds of exhilarating joy of killing myself? maybe an accident is better, but then I don't want to drag other innocent people into my mess.. perhaps driving a car off the cliff? Too costly. Damn. I can't even decide on methods of committing suicide, let alone the act of committing suicide. Dang!

By now you must have asked yourself, what is the matter with this girl? What could be so bad that she can't handle it? Hmm.. since I haven't been blogging much, perhaps I should list them here, just for the heck of it.

1. Several deals I worked on has gone rotten.
Oookay... that's no biggie, rite? Rite. I thought so myself. I can always work on new deals. Better deals. Improvise. Yeap. I can do that.

2. Business kanasai (means like shit!).
This one's peanut also. No biggie. The economy is really bad now and many people out there are either just recently retrenched, fired, or un-employed. I am currently considered un-employed too. Never mind lar. Won't die what. Right? Right.

3. Mum slipped and fractured her right wrist.
Shit. This is terrible. The fracture was so bad, she needed an operation. To make things worse, it was on her right wrist - she's right handed and that means she uses her right hands a lot. To top that up, it was costly. Normal fractures requires internal fixation. Simply explained, you re-attach all the fractured bones together, screw them up with bolts and nuts or whatever it is that the surgeons use, and voila it would hold and on the way to recovery. Not in my mother's case. At this stage, we found out that she had osteoporosis. =.='' If the above-mentioned procedure is carried out, her bones would fracture into smaller fragments due to extreme porosity. T_T So, external fixation must be done, and it is more expensive and painful but heals faster.

I will blog about the operation in other posts so I'll cut the story short here. Since the operation she needed 6 weeks time for the bones to grow back and to have the external fixation released. In that 6 weeks time, we took turn taking care of her. I stayed with her most of the time cause I wasn't working full time and my time is more flexible. She needed help bathing, changing clothes, grooming and everything else in between that you can think of. I paid the bills, water the plants, ran errands, became her driver and did some of the house chores. My sisters took care of the rest house chores. During those time, we grew extremely tired and she, extremely agitated. She cried a lot, because she was in great pain and her hand was so swollen it hardly resembled a hand. I drove her practically everywhere to 'makan angin' cause Mum loves it and I enjoyed doing it. It took her mind away, just for a while.

6 weeks after the operation it was time to have the external fixation removed. It was such an ordeal I could not help but wince each time she grimaced from the pain. Out came the tears and blood (from her wound). I felt like my heart was out in my hands. The removal was done without any anesthetic and Mum said she could feel the steel grinding with her bones before being removed.

Then came the physiotherapy which is even more painful than before. Since Mum had not moved her right hand and wrist in 6 weeks time, it has gone really stiff and weak. She could not even hold a spoon to feed herself. Physiotherapy is needed to get it back to its normal functions. Again, lots of emo-ing and tears came pouring out and I accompanied her in and out of hospital on weekly basis. The physiotherapy sessions was done twice a week and each of them lasting about 1 to 1.5 hours. It was complete torture and my mum dreaded it.

If you think that's the end, my answer is no. More is to come. Read on.

4. My savings dried up.
By this time, a huge hole has burnt through my savings account. I bought a new pc cuz my laptop died on me and I still have to pay for my car installments. By this time I had only enough to sustain my car's installment. I don't have to pay the loan anymore in another few months time. Petrol is a killer nowadays. I need cash flow terribly. My dad offered financial support several times but I stubbornly turned him down. I can manage on my own, I told him. But deep inside, I was touched with his generosity and compassion. He may disagree with me on many issues, but he supported my decisions in silence and somehow, from deep within, I know he's somewhat proud of me. I'm like a son to him.

5. Friends kanasai (means like shit!).
I have several retard of a 'friends' who insisted that I buy branded presents for them even though they knew I wasn't earning anything. They thought that just because I wasn't working, I'm rich. Dang!

6. Trembling fingers...
My fingers swells on and off with great pain. Sometimes they tremble uncontrollably on their own accord, as if they had just been electrocuted. Using chopsticks became a nuisance. I could not carry heavy things. a 2kg bag feels like 20kg to me. Deep inside, I was greatly depressed. The disappointments and failures upon failures were chopping me, slicing me up deeply, without mercy. I grew tired of hoping, of believing that everything will be all right. It feels like I'm never entitled to success. By then, I couldn't even help my mum in her physiotherapy sessions. I couldn't massage her hand and fingers because doing so inflict similar pains in my own hands. I felt so useless.

7. My dad... passed away suddenly.
This... came as an utter shock. Dad was in good health. He was working, breathing, very much alive. I was getting ready to fetch him from the airport when I got a call from him. I thought it was him. It wasn't. It was a call from his colleague, informing us of the terrible truth. That was the shocking news. He had left us. For the first time in my life, my heart stopped beating. I stopped breathing. Time stopped. No God. No. Not now. Not yet. Why???

My mind could not comprehend. I drove numbly back home while consoling my mum in the car. She was already crying. Bad things happened one after another. Before it was her, now it's Daddy. Maybe it's a prank. Maybe they made a mistake. Maybe it's someone else. Maybe his phone got stolen. Maybe maybe maybes...

I did not shed a tear until the confirmation came. Yes. He had left us to be with Lord. I refused to acknowledge it. I refused to accept it. We packed in a frenzy. I gathered all of my sisters, and drove to Sarikei, regardless of my swollen, burning, painful fingers. That was the worse day of my life.

8. Ex-employer(s) kanasai (means like shit!).
Not long after Daddy's funeral, I received news of employment. My ex-employer seemed to be in favour of hiring me. I thought this was the light at the end of the dark, treacherous tunnel. Perhaps, the cloud will finally part ways and allow the ray of light, of hope to enter my life again. That, wasn't the case.

I found out soon enough that there were conflicts in the employment process. Dark, untrue rumors threatened to ruin my reputation, and they did. I can only pray that God will avenge me for these people had wronged me. They blamed me for their mistakes and incompetence and lost of profit. They created untrue stories, lies upon lies to cover up their ugly truths. The job slipped through my fingers.

9. Relatives kanasai (means like shit!).
Daddy's brothers had the nerve to tell us that we should simply buy the cheapest casket cause he's dead anyway so no point in wasting so much money. We refused and insisted on the best. It was our last chance to buy things for Daddy, our last chance to pay our respects, his last resting place. He had given us so much and we were told to give him as little as possible upon his departure? I could not do that. Not even with a gun pointed at my head. My sisters refused too. Mum wanted the best for Daddy and we all agreed.

Straight after Daddy's funeral ceremony, we headed home. As I had mentioned in one of my previous blog, we had just recently moved into a new house. It is a double storey semi detached house, newly renovated with modern designs and landscaped garden. Not only that, the rest of Daddy's brothers and their families had moved into new houses respectively due to a newly developed piece of land that grants each of them a new house. When they reached our house though, two of my Uncles rushed all over the house inspecting it. Then they rushed upstairs to look at the bedrooms, totally ignoring our dumbfounded looks. They did not even asked for permission to go upstairs. How could they do this? Is this the time for house watching? Don't they care how we feel? Are we statues? Their actions revolted me greatly. I do not want to have anything to do with them in the future.

Those incidents above really burn me alive. Until now, I have not settled down. Life was tough, but this feels like it's climbing a never-ending tough stairs. My mind is still a ball of huge, entangled messy ball with everything jumbled up, packed and highly compressed together. I cannot see straight, think straight. My mind is a raging ocean, the winds are howling, it was cold and dark. I was groping around. I have lost my way, my grip. Everyday was lifeless. This is difficult. I hate this year. I hate the year of golden ox. I'll never forget this fucked up year. I wish I could teleport myself out of this place, this time, this instance. This year sucks and everything in it sucks. When will I see a glimpse of hope? I do not know. I cannot concentrate on anything, and yet I need to settle down. Tell me, what should I do? I feel like such a moron myself for asking that question. Perhaps I have uttered the phrase way too many times, it has somehow etched itself into my life. Maybe I should start asking for a miracle instead, but I doubt that will happen. This is the beauty of life, it is ugly. And one can only knows the meaning of beauty AFTER you have known ugly, because without knowing ugly, there is no way for you to recognize beauty even when you see one. Am I making sense or am I not? This is how my brain looks like right now. Kanasai!

To be continued...