Whatever happened to Histats.com??? Why has it defaulted to Spanish instead of English??? Hello you dungheads at histats.com, in case you are not aware of this, I do not speak, read nor write in Spanish so... why would I continue using Histats in Spanish??? When I first installed it, it was in English!!! Seriously, don't you people have brains??? Like, brain cells that really, truly works??? Do you sincerely believe that I speak, read and write in Spanish?
Wait. Don't tell me. You do.
*deep breath*
Ok. I get it. My bad. I'll change. Don't need Histats anymore.
*note to self : Remove unnecessary stuffs written by morons for morons*
That reminds me. Gotta remove that dang Microsoft Office 2007. *BIG SIGH*
Monday, November 9, 2009
Please lar Streamyx, RIP!!! No one will miss you!
I woke up in confusion this morning because some morons disrupt my sleep 8++ in the morning. The first thing I saw when I opened my front door is the TM's van. Then realization hit me : Uh.. so there wasn't any prob with the port?
You see, last night I couldn't browse at all. I was connected but cannot browse. My modemn was fine but browser showed Loading loading loading... Tried for several hours still cannot load, then eventually I called 100 to complain. The lady in charge checked things for me and then confirmed that my port was down. I suspected it was the port because I checked with my friends who live within the vicinity and they do not have browsing problem. Ok. Port prob verified. Here's what ensued from the conversation with the TM's customer service 'officer' :-
Me: So it's a port prob?
TM: Yes. Your port is down. That's why you cannot surf.
Me: When can they fix it?
TM: I'll send technicians over tomorrow to check. It's too late now, cannot check.
Me: Check port ka?
TM: Yeah. Port.
Me: Where's the port?
TM: Kuching.
Me: Kuching where?
TM: ...
Me: Where's THE port?
TM: Erm..
(By this time, I was so irked, I understand how 'ignorant' people can be, so I kindly supplied an EXAMPLE)
Me: My house??
TM: No no no. Not your house.
Me: This port prob, is it my prob or TM's prob?
TM: TM's prob. Port is inside the server. Server is TM's, so it's TM prob.
Me: How long would it take?
TM: ...
Me: When can I use my internet???
TM: Cannot say.
Me: ... !@%#@%%&%#%$#@%!!!!!!!
TM: Anything else?
Me: Please fix it, otherwise I potong line lar. Tulan!
You'd think that's the end of the story right? Nope. The technician came, without calling, no appointments, no manner, acting as if I owed them a lifetime of debt. They were on their way into my house when I stopped them and asked them:-
Me: You checked the port already?
TM technician: What port?
Me: What are you here for?
TM technician: Check your stuffs.
Me: The lady last nite told me she'll send you guys to check the port. Have you checked the port?
TM technician: Check your house first then we go check port lar.
Me: I cannot let you in.
TM technician: Then we go lar.
Aiyah... go lar go lar. Ma cheebye. Come uninvited still wanna act macho and heroic. Bo-kah-see some more. Ptui!!!!!
I called 100 again and this time, the lady in charge (damn sombong some more) insisted that their technicians are the best when I complained about their competencies in their jobs. She couldn't answer me when I asked her why were they at my house and not checking the port at their server. She couldn't answer me regarding the procedures in these matter. She couldn't answer me anything. And she had the nerve to ask me what else I want. I want you damn assholes at TM to do your fucking job!
I tried browsing after that and luckily I could browse. Went to streamyx website, read on their troubleshooting shits, customer services shits and Fair Usage Policy shits. When I tried to summit a complaint, the site won't budge. So I e-mailed them the following. Guess what. I did not get a reply from them and my line works beautifully throughout the day without interruptions whatsoever. Kanneh Streamyx. You really enjoy being tiaw huh????
******************************************
PORT problem (URGENT)
You see, last night I couldn't browse at all. I was connected but cannot browse. My modemn was fine but browser showed Loading loading loading... Tried for several hours still cannot load, then eventually I called 100 to complain. The lady in charge checked things for me and then confirmed that my port was down. I suspected it was the port because I checked with my friends who live within the vicinity and they do not have browsing problem. Ok. Port prob verified. Here's what ensued from the conversation with the TM's customer service 'officer' :-
Me: So it's a port prob?
TM: Yes. Your port is down. That's why you cannot surf.
Me: When can they fix it?
TM: I'll send technicians over tomorrow to check. It's too late now, cannot check.
Me: Check port ka?
TM: Yeah. Port.
Me: Where's the port?
TM: Kuching.
Me: Kuching where?
TM: ...
Me: Where's THE port?
TM: Erm..
(By this time, I was so irked, I understand how 'ignorant' people can be, so I kindly supplied an EXAMPLE)
Me: My house??
TM: No no no. Not your house.
Me: This port prob, is it my prob or TM's prob?
TM: TM's prob. Port is inside the server. Server is TM's, so it's TM prob.
Me: How long would it take?
TM: ...
Me: When can I use my internet???
TM: Cannot say.
Me: ... !@%#@%%&%#%$#@%!!!!!!!
TM: Anything else?
Me: Please fix it, otherwise I potong line lar. Tulan!
You'd think that's the end of the story right? Nope. The technician came, without calling, no appointments, no manner, acting as if I owed them a lifetime of debt. They were on their way into my house when I stopped them and asked them:-
Me: You checked the port already?
TM technician: What port?
Me: What are you here for?
TM technician: Check your stuffs.
Me: The lady last nite told me she'll send you guys to check the port. Have you checked the port?
TM technician: Check your house first then we go check port lar.
Me: I cannot let you in.
TM technician: Then we go lar.
Aiyah... go lar go lar. Ma cheebye. Come uninvited still wanna act macho and heroic. Bo-kah-see some more. Ptui!!!!!
I called 100 again and this time, the lady in charge (damn sombong some more) insisted that their technicians are the best when I complained about their competencies in their jobs. She couldn't answer me when I asked her why were they at my house and not checking the port at their server. She couldn't answer me regarding the procedures in these matter. She couldn't answer me anything. And she had the nerve to ask me what else I want. I want you damn assholes at TM to do your fucking job!
I tried browsing after that and luckily I could browse. Went to streamyx website, read on their troubleshooting shits, customer services shits and Fair Usage Policy shits. When I tried to summit a complaint, the site won't budge. So I e-mailed them the following. Guess what. I did not get a reply from them and my line works beautifully throughout the day without interruptions whatsoever. Kanneh Streamyx. You really enjoy being tiaw huh????
******************************************
PORT problem (URGENT)
From: "xxxxxxxxxxxxx"
To: complaints@tm.com.my
Cc: help@tm.com.my
~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~
just now and filled in the form and found that I cannot summit it. Can you tell me why I cannot summit it??? So I resorted to e-mail.
11/9/2009
Sender's Full Name
Sender's Full IC No.
Sender's e-mail address
Sender's landline No.
Complaints :
I've been having problem browsing internet for several months and lately, it was so ridiculous I cannot stand it anymore. I checked your troubleshooting site and found that I have no problem with faulty telephone lines (my line is good), wrong hardware set up (my hardware is set up properly cause it can definitely browse), modemn (cause I'm not having connection prob, my prob is I cannot browse!!), OS network configuring system (my Primary DNS: 202.188.0.133 and Secondary DNS: 202.188.1.5 which are both correct), antivirus/anti-spyware/anti-adware software from time to time (my antivirus & anti-spyware are up to date), incorrect browser configuration (no proxy setting and no default dialler), invalid login id or password (my id and password are working just fine).
It took me ages (few mins to few hours) just to load a page at times. I cannot check e-mails too or login to facebook.
I suspect the prob is a port prob so I called 100 last nite to check and the lady verified that the port at TM's server was down. I asked her why is it down she said dunno. I asked whether that is prob at MY side or SERVER side she said Server. Said she'll send technicians to check on the port the next morning.
Since it is obviously the port prob, then your technician should work on the port at your server. But no, they came early this morning, without calling whatsoever and demanded to check my house system. When I asked whether they have checked the port, they said they wanna check my house FIRST before checking the port. Since it was confirmed through your system checking at 100 last nite that your port was down, why don't you go check on your port first? Is TM trying to be funny in providing its services? Or are your technicians trying to be funny? I refused them entrance into my house because I do not trust them.
I am very disappointed with the way TM handles this. You do not solve problem but instead beat around the bush and try to do it the long winding difficult ways that inconvenienced the customers.
What Fair Usage Policy? I can't browse at all most of the times. Let alone download things.
Please bear in mind I'm not having connection prob. I AM CONNECTED. I just cannot load pages. CANNOT BROWSE. Just blanks. Sometimes can browse (half an hour or 1 to 2 hours, then cannot load at all. If I get lucky, I can browse, but VERY VERY VERY SLOW. SLOWER than dial-up connection!). Don't try to be funny with me : I know you can check everything from your server so go and do your work. I've checked everything so why don't you do your share. Go check your port please. Fix it. I'm paying every month to browse. I do not pay NOT TO browse. Get it? If you cannot solve this, forget it. I'll close account. End of story!
p/s : Your customer service at 100 was lousy. You think keeping quiet can solve prob? That your prob will disappear into thin air? And she insisted that the technicians are the best. If best then why give funny story? She just said need to check check check. By the time you finish checking when would that be? Months???? They don't know why the port is down and they wanna check my end? They cannot tell me why the port is down but they are the best technicians? What a great service. You have something funnier to tell me?? I can't wait. Enlighten me. I wanna see your reply.
Thank you.
From,
Very Irritated Customer
******************************************
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Screwed!!!
OMG!!!! My Page Element has gone nuts!!! What am I to do??!!!??? What happened to it during my absence? I can't even re-arrange anything!!!!
Future plans
I'm a bit kay-poh lately so just let me release my stim and rant to my satisfaction, ok?
If you are a frequent reader, you would have realized by now that this year spells disaster for me. I'm jobless, penniless, useless, helpless, hopeless, partner-less, fruitless and yes. The list goes on. You can add on whatever '-less' ending word that you can think of. I believe they will suit me just fine.
The last blow was the departure of my Daddy to be with God. Awww. And before I realized it, I have more or less learn to accept this great lost, all within the span of 1 year. Am I just damn strong and tough or am I just heartless?
Frankly, I don't know the answer. But one thing I do know is that I have to move on. It pains me not being able to contribute to my family in this time of dire needs. My joy of eating has dissipated (whatever left of my appetite is just mere shows to cover up my heartache) and I have shed off the plumpness from my body. My mind is always filled with money money money. Hence, the silly money post just now, ahaks!
I need a job where I can be close to my family and be there for Mum 24/7. I cannot do outstation jobs and I do believe I've turned down more than enough share of jobs to get my name blacklisted in the market. Problem is, most developments are done in rural areas and that spells o-u-t-s-t-a-t-i-o-n. That's kind of a taboo word for Mum cause Daddy used to do outstation jobs thus didn't spend much time with us. Plus, I have the same profession as Daddy so practically speaking, that is like adding salt to open wounds. Mummy cried again this morning when signing the name transfer of properties documents. T_T
While searching for a job, I reckon it would be good to get back to writing. My blog is kinda messy after months upon months of neglect. I do hope it can generate an income sufficient to get me by, at least for the moment while I work on stuffs.
By now I'm already so dehydrated watching with my own eyes how all of my hard work went down the drain. It's high time for a change.
Still, changing is difficult, especially in the midst of ... well, hell? By the very least, I can truly enjoy blogging. I love writing but I've noticed how darkly my writings were as of late. I can't really help it, what with all those unfortunate shits happening in my life and all. But I'm trying to tone things down and focus on more, educational stuffs.
I'd probably sign up with nuffnang too. And go back to reading blogs. I haven't read blogs in ages. When was the last time I read a blog? 4 or 5 months ago? I did drop by michaelooi.net cause his blog uploads fast without pictures. And his posts certainly entertained me.
Currently trying to decide whether to do Master in Business Administration, or Master in Management, Master in Project Management or Master in Science or Master in Engineering. Then there's the University selection process to ponder on.
*smiles*
I'm really trying to get my life back on track. Believe me. Picking up all the broken pieces and stitching them up together is no easy task. First task is trying to cry less. In my case, it's more or less accomplished, except for the occasional burst of tears. I wish I could rip out my tear ducts. That way, nobody can tell that I'm crying. Or had been crying. Haha
Well, if you have any tips on how to make money from home then do let me know. I do need the cash badly and I'm sure you can judge from my writings that I am, capable of writing! ;P
If you are a frequent reader, you would have realized by now that this year spells disaster for me. I'm jobless, penniless, useless, helpless, hopeless, partner-less, fruitless and yes. The list goes on. You can add on whatever '-less' ending word that you can think of. I believe they will suit me just fine.
The last blow was the departure of my Daddy to be with God. Awww. And before I realized it, I have more or less learn to accept this great lost, all within the span of 1 year. Am I just damn strong and tough or am I just heartless?
Frankly, I don't know the answer. But one thing I do know is that I have to move on. It pains me not being able to contribute to my family in this time of dire needs. My joy of eating has dissipated (whatever left of my appetite is just mere shows to cover up my heartache) and I have shed off the plumpness from my body. My mind is always filled with money money money. Hence, the silly money post just now, ahaks!
I need a job where I can be close to my family and be there for Mum 24/7. I cannot do outstation jobs and I do believe I've turned down more than enough share of jobs to get my name blacklisted in the market. Problem is, most developments are done in rural areas and that spells o-u-t-s-t-a-t-i-o-n. That's kind of a taboo word for Mum cause Daddy used to do outstation jobs thus didn't spend much time with us. Plus, I have the same profession as Daddy so practically speaking, that is like adding salt to open wounds. Mummy cried again this morning when signing the name transfer of properties documents. T_T
While searching for a job, I reckon it would be good to get back to writing. My blog is kinda messy after months upon months of neglect. I do hope it can generate an income sufficient to get me by, at least for the moment while I work on stuffs.
By now I'm already so dehydrated watching with my own eyes how all of my hard work went down the drain. It's high time for a change.
Still, changing is difficult, especially in the midst of ... well, hell? By the very least, I can truly enjoy blogging. I love writing but I've noticed how darkly my writings were as of late. I can't really help it, what with all those unfortunate shits happening in my life and all. But I'm trying to tone things down and focus on more, educational stuffs.
I'd probably sign up with nuffnang too. And go back to reading blogs. I haven't read blogs in ages. When was the last time I read a blog? 4 or 5 months ago? I did drop by michaelooi.net cause his blog uploads fast without pictures. And his posts certainly entertained me.
Currently trying to decide whether to do Master in Business Administration, or Master in Management, Master in Project Management or Master in Science or Master in Engineering. Then there's the University selection process to ponder on.
*smiles*
I'm really trying to get my life back on track. Believe me. Picking up all the broken pieces and stitching them up together is no easy task. First task is trying to cry less. In my case, it's more or less accomplished, except for the occasional burst of tears. I wish I could rip out my tear ducts. That way, nobody can tell that I'm crying. Or had been crying. Haha
Well, if you have any tips on how to make money from home then do let me know. I do need the cash badly and I'm sure you can judge from my writings that I am, capable of writing! ;P
Where's my moolah??
Moolah? What's moolah?
Aiyer. Like that also don't know meh? Money lar, what else.
Money? Moolah is money? Err.. Why don't they just call it money?
Ok. Here's why. Moolah is a slang for money. Why use slang when you can say money? Maybe they just wanna 'spice up' the word? Add more feel and coolness to it? Increase ones mojo? There are people out there who feels damn special for being able to spew cool, alien words to their moronic bunch of 'so called friends'. But then again, sometimes this may not seem to be the case. Perhaps the word has gone through extensive-fast-forward revolution. Like the word 'google'. Google was a search engine, don't get me wrong, it IS still a search engine, but nowadays, people tell you to 'Google for it' instead of 'Go to Google and search for it'. Instead of a noun it has now become a verb. Awesome huh?
On the other hand, perhaps some people perceive money or the sign $$$ as a taboo word. I, for instance hate money. Why? I associate money with problems. Money is the cause of all the crimes and bad things in the world. People kill for money. Rob banks for money. Fight for money, worry about money, quarrel over money and disputes over money. Sold their lives, bodies, souls and dignities for money. Do everything for money. Just take a look at the Fear Factor shows. They'd eat tarantulas, scorpions (alive man!!!) and even shit for money. Heck, they'd swallow stuffs people vomit out just for money. Kill babies for money (Google for melamine if you don't know what this mean *rolls eyes*) and sell fake eggs (in China, fake eggs are mass produced using chemical substances and sold for as low as 0.05 yuan compared to a real, fresh egg that costs over 1 yuan each). Is that how much humanity is worth??
You don't believe this? Let's say I'm a crazy multi-billionaire and I told you I'd give you 1 million dollars if you'd just let me cut off your pinky, study your reaction and then have my personal surgeon re-attach your pinky back for you. And you can do this over and over again. I'll just pay you up with cold hard cash at the end of each session. And countless people can join up. It's for my special studies. I'll publish it, make money out of it. And guess what, there will be viewers. Who wouldn't want to watch that? Now, the question is : Would you do that? Let me cut your pinky. After all, it's just a pinky. You certainly won't die. Right? You get 1 million dollars cash each time you cut off your pinky wor! Guaranteed wor! Would you or would you not do it? I bet thousands of people would queue up from Kuching all the way to Singapore JUST to have their pinkies cut off and then re-attached back. And they get paid 1 million each. Why not?
Too bad I'm not a billionaire. Maybe this is a good thing. If I were a billionaire, imagine all the sick ideas I have that I can actually do. OMG! This is so sick!!! I'm damn sure I can beat Fear Factor. Damn. Where's my moolah??? Come quick lar. I wait till knees kejang already!
Disclaimer : Nobody has been harmed in the production of this article. The so-called facts written here are based on rumors flying in the air at current time of publishing. If you wanna believe what you read, believe. If you don't believe, then don't believe. The writer or this blog never forces anything down your throat or into your mind. So read, laugh and admire. Or fuck off. Or whatever.
Aiyer. Like that also don't know meh? Money lar, what else.
Money? Moolah is money? Err.. Why don't they just call it money?
Ok. Here's why. Moolah is a slang for money. Why use slang when you can say money? Maybe they just wanna 'spice up' the word? Add more feel and coolness to it? Increase ones mojo? There are people out there who feels damn special for being able to spew cool, alien words to their moronic bunch of 'so called friends'. But then again, sometimes this may not seem to be the case. Perhaps the word has gone through extensive-fast-forward revolution. Like the word 'google'. Google was a search engine, don't get me wrong, it IS still a search engine, but nowadays, people tell you to 'Google for it' instead of 'Go to Google and search for it'. Instead of a noun it has now become a verb. Awesome huh?
On the other hand, perhaps some people perceive money or the sign $$$ as a taboo word. I, for instance hate money. Why? I associate money with problems. Money is the cause of all the crimes and bad things in the world. People kill for money. Rob banks for money. Fight for money, worry about money, quarrel over money and disputes over money. Sold their lives, bodies, souls and dignities for money. Do everything for money. Just take a look at the Fear Factor shows. They'd eat tarantulas, scorpions (alive man!!!) and even shit for money. Heck, they'd swallow stuffs people vomit out just for money. Kill babies for money (Google for melamine if you don't know what this mean *rolls eyes*) and sell fake eggs (in China, fake eggs are mass produced using chemical substances and sold for as low as 0.05 yuan compared to a real, fresh egg that costs over 1 yuan each). Is that how much humanity is worth??
You don't believe this? Let's say I'm a crazy multi-billionaire and I told you I'd give you 1 million dollars if you'd just let me cut off your pinky, study your reaction and then have my personal surgeon re-attach your pinky back for you. And you can do this over and over again. I'll just pay you up with cold hard cash at the end of each session. And countless people can join up. It's for my special studies. I'll publish it, make money out of it. And guess what, there will be viewers. Who wouldn't want to watch that? Now, the question is : Would you do that? Let me cut your pinky. After all, it's just a pinky. You certainly won't die. Right? You get 1 million dollars cash each time you cut off your pinky wor! Guaranteed wor! Would you or would you not do it? I bet thousands of people would queue up from Kuching all the way to Singapore JUST to have their pinkies cut off and then re-attached back. And they get paid 1 million each. Why not?
Too bad I'm not a billionaire. Maybe this is a good thing. If I were a billionaire, imagine all the sick ideas I have that I can actually do. OMG! This is so sick!!! I'm damn sure I can beat Fear Factor. Damn. Where's my moolah??? Come quick lar. I wait till knees kejang already!
Disclaimer : Nobody has been harmed in the production of this article. The so-called facts written here are based on rumors flying in the air at current time of publishing. If you wanna believe what you read, believe. If you don't believe, then don't believe. The writer or this blog never forces anything down your throat or into your mind. So read, laugh and admire. Or fuck off. Or whatever.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Better days ahead?
Lately I have been more complacent. Is that the right adjective to use? I'm not sure. Maybe it is wrong to say that I'm 100% complacent, but I did say I have been more complacent. That surely counts as an improvement, no?
Why did I say this? Well, I used to brood over every little things that upset me. I had so much pent up stress, I believe it is enough to explode and cover half of Sarawak with hot, molten lava. Yes, I miss Daddy very much and yes, I have so many regrets. So many things not accomplished. I haven't got a bf, get engaged, get married, have kids, build a family. My career has not reached its peak at all. I have not given Daddy the happiness of having a son-in-law or grandchildren. And I'll never have that chance. I'll never see him smiling at me ever, telling me how proud he is of me and how everything will turn out right and okay. I'll never hear him sigh again, or how excitedly he tells all of us about his latest purchase of Rolex watches, antiques, DSLR cameras, binoculars or even telescopes. I'll never hear his laughter or devilish chuckle of delight against our antics. I'll never talk to him, hug him or tell him how much I love him. I'll never get to tell him to just let go of his work and come home sooner, quicker and more frequently. I'll never get to call him and complaint about everything. I'll never have someone like him to ask about advice or anything ever. I really miss him. And tears rolled down my face even as I'm typing this.
But now it's different. There is peace from within. There is no anger nor sadness. Just longing and acceptance. Regrets I'll learn to live with. And I will be stronger. I'm deeply comforted that Daddy did not suffer while departing from this world. I'm somewhat glad that we did not see this coming at all. Life is such a mystery. We never know what we had until we have lost it. We always took things for granted. Never cherishing them while they are still there. How can we be so ignorant?
Recently I've watched TV, youtube, anime and countless of movies. I've dug up all of my mp3 collections and listened to them, remembering why I loved those songs, and love them still now. I'm marvelled at how much feelings I had then, for music and anime. How much I treasured letters, and tiny little gifts friends give me. I never threw them away. My room is packed mostly with books and stuffs dating back to my childhood days. I still have the RC car that Daddy bought me for my 4 year old birthday. If I can find the battery that suits it and plug it in, it'll definitely run like it was brand new. I still had drawings I drew when I was 14. I never wanted to throw them away. To me they were precious. I cannot bear losing them, not seeing them ever again.
That sounds silly doesn't it? How many people does that anyway? It's such a waste of time and room area. Pua Chu Kang's wife Rosie once scolded him, 'Keep keep keep! Can turn into gold meh?'. That phrase rang so true. Sure, these things won't turn into gold, but it is the feelings engraved that makes it priceless. It is the memories that makes things meaningfull. It is the song that was playing at that particular moment that brings back the memories of yesteryears. Somehow you can't help but being transported back into that time, that moment, that place. Somehow you cannot help but remembering all of your feelings, senses, thoughts and wishes then. It was magical.
For me, I'll always carry all these wonderful memories with me. I may curse and scream and shout and threaten to kill every morons in the world that gets in my way but the truth is, I am a softy at heart. I get angry easily because I'm sensitive. I feel so much, so strongly that it is unbearable not to show any response whatsoever. Over the years though, I've learned to keep things to myself. Things no one would understand. I stopped expecting anyone to understand. I stopped hoping someone would. It is better to let go and move on. Life seems easier that way. I can breath more easily. Not some laboured breath clouded with disgust that no one seems to understand.
So what now? I wanna live life to its fullest. I don't stop living just because something bad happened. I'm tough. And I will go on writing. Come to think of it, I haven't written much in the past few years. I read some of my earlier postings years back and I can't help but laugh at the absurdity of my postings. Some of them were so angry and dark, but surprisingly funny in its own little manner. I longed for the time when I used to write about cute, happy stuffs. I miss those times when nothing seems to worry me and troubles would just go away if I wished for them hard enough. I will survive. Somehow.
Am I comforting myself? In a way, perhaps I am. And for those who has ever felt the way I felt, take heed - if you can live through this, then you shall emerge stronger. We are molded, trained into stronger beings through various life experiences. Someday, we'll make those who meant a lot to us proud. This is life. The better days are yet to come. I'll wait till that day comes. Would you?
p/s: Pa, I love you and always will be. You are the greatest Dad alive and if I'm ever given the chance to choose, I'll always want you to be my Daddy, thousands of lifetimes over. No one can replace you. That's how precious you are to me. So rest in peace and don't worry about us. Luv ya!
Why did I say this? Well, I used to brood over every little things that upset me. I had so much pent up stress, I believe it is enough to explode and cover half of Sarawak with hot, molten lava. Yes, I miss Daddy very much and yes, I have so many regrets. So many things not accomplished. I haven't got a bf, get engaged, get married, have kids, build a family. My career has not reached its peak at all. I have not given Daddy the happiness of having a son-in-law or grandchildren. And I'll never have that chance. I'll never see him smiling at me ever, telling me how proud he is of me and how everything will turn out right and okay. I'll never hear him sigh again, or how excitedly he tells all of us about his latest purchase of Rolex watches, antiques, DSLR cameras, binoculars or even telescopes. I'll never hear his laughter or devilish chuckle of delight against our antics. I'll never talk to him, hug him or tell him how much I love him. I'll never get to tell him to just let go of his work and come home sooner, quicker and more frequently. I'll never get to call him and complaint about everything. I'll never have someone like him to ask about advice or anything ever. I really miss him. And tears rolled down my face even as I'm typing this.
But now it's different. There is peace from within. There is no anger nor sadness. Just longing and acceptance. Regrets I'll learn to live with. And I will be stronger. I'm deeply comforted that Daddy did not suffer while departing from this world. I'm somewhat glad that we did not see this coming at all. Life is such a mystery. We never know what we had until we have lost it. We always took things for granted. Never cherishing them while they are still there. How can we be so ignorant?
Recently I've watched TV, youtube, anime and countless of movies. I've dug up all of my mp3 collections and listened to them, remembering why I loved those songs, and love them still now. I'm marvelled at how much feelings I had then, for music and anime. How much I treasured letters, and tiny little gifts friends give me. I never threw them away. My room is packed mostly with books and stuffs dating back to my childhood days. I still have the RC car that Daddy bought me for my 4 year old birthday. If I can find the battery that suits it and plug it in, it'll definitely run like it was brand new. I still had drawings I drew when I was 14. I never wanted to throw them away. To me they were precious. I cannot bear losing them, not seeing them ever again.
That sounds silly doesn't it? How many people does that anyway? It's such a waste of time and room area. Pua Chu Kang's wife Rosie once scolded him, 'Keep keep keep! Can turn into gold meh?'. That phrase rang so true. Sure, these things won't turn into gold, but it is the feelings engraved that makes it priceless. It is the memories that makes things meaningfull. It is the song that was playing at that particular moment that brings back the memories of yesteryears. Somehow you can't help but being transported back into that time, that moment, that place. Somehow you cannot help but remembering all of your feelings, senses, thoughts and wishes then. It was magical.
For me, I'll always carry all these wonderful memories with me. I may curse and scream and shout and threaten to kill every morons in the world that gets in my way but the truth is, I am a softy at heart. I get angry easily because I'm sensitive. I feel so much, so strongly that it is unbearable not to show any response whatsoever. Over the years though, I've learned to keep things to myself. Things no one would understand. I stopped expecting anyone to understand. I stopped hoping someone would. It is better to let go and move on. Life seems easier that way. I can breath more easily. Not some laboured breath clouded with disgust that no one seems to understand.
So what now? I wanna live life to its fullest. I don't stop living just because something bad happened. I'm tough. And I will go on writing. Come to think of it, I haven't written much in the past few years. I read some of my earlier postings years back and I can't help but laugh at the absurdity of my postings. Some of them were so angry and dark, but surprisingly funny in its own little manner. I longed for the time when I used to write about cute, happy stuffs. I miss those times when nothing seems to worry me and troubles would just go away if I wished for them hard enough. I will survive. Somehow.
Am I comforting myself? In a way, perhaps I am. And for those who has ever felt the way I felt, take heed - if you can live through this, then you shall emerge stronger. We are molded, trained into stronger beings through various life experiences. Someday, we'll make those who meant a lot to us proud. This is life. The better days are yet to come. I'll wait till that day comes. Would you?
p/s: Pa, I love you and always will be. You are the greatest Dad alive and if I'm ever given the chance to choose, I'll always want you to be my Daddy, thousands of lifetimes over. No one can replace you. That's how precious you are to me. So rest in peace and don't worry about us. Luv ya!
Official Cactus Killer
Oh dear. Remember the cactus that I so proudly presented last month? Uh.. they all died. All except two. In fact, those two survived cause my sisters saved them. Yeap - my two youngest sisters. Every last bit of cactus that fell prey into my hands died a miserable, insignificant death.
Please forgive me minna. I killed you. Yes. I'm a murderer. A cold hearted one at that.
And strangely, I do not feel... horrified. I do not feel sorry at all. Sad yes. Sorry? Nope.
Did I deliberately do that? *evil grin*
Maybe yes. Maybe no. They aren't tough. That's why they died. Not my fault. Right?
My youngest sis would probably accused me of killing them. On purpose.
'You didn't water them for one whole month!!!'
'Hmmm. I thought cactus do not need that much water. They ARE cactus, not ordinary plants lar.. they'll survive..'
'They still need water!!! Baka!'
O__O
Maybe she's right. I'm such a baka. Either that, or I simply don't care at all.
I'll probably sneak into her room to take pic of her baby cacti. It has sprouted cute tentacle-like shoots on its top. It looks like a snail's head to me.
Alas, internet connection has been slower than snails. Pictures up soon. I mean, as soon as I could upload them. If not, you'll just hafta keep waiting!
Wahahahaa!
Please forgive me minna. I killed you. Yes. I'm a murderer. A cold hearted one at that.
And strangely, I do not feel... horrified. I do not feel sorry at all. Sad yes. Sorry? Nope.
Did I deliberately do that? *evil grin*
Maybe yes. Maybe no. They aren't tough. That's why they died. Not my fault. Right?
My youngest sis would probably accused me of killing them. On purpose.
'You didn't water them for one whole month!!!'
'Hmmm. I thought cactus do not need that much water. They ARE cactus, not ordinary plants lar.. they'll survive..'
'They still need water!!! Baka!'
O__O
Maybe she's right. I'm such a baka. Either that, or I simply don't care at all.
I'll probably sneak into her room to take pic of her baby cacti. It has sprouted cute tentacle-like shoots on its top. It looks like a snail's head to me.
Alas, internet connection has been slower than snails. Pictures up soon. I mean, as soon as I could upload them. If not, you'll just hafta keep waiting!
Wahahahaa!
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