I hate it when my phone rings. I hate it more when it rings at odd hours. I hate it even more if the number seems suspicious.
If I ignored it, would the ringing stop?
If I ignored it, would it stop whatever godforsaken news the caller bear from reaching me?
It's just a matter of time isn't it? Whether the news is bad or good, comes late or early, I'll still have to deal with it, right?
And yep. It's bad news all right. Whatever I don't wanna hear is bad news for me. Whatever I don't welcome IS bad news for me.
Did I make the wrong decision back then? Should I take them back?
I wouldn't.
Should I turn back time, unwind everything and undone everything?
What for?
Have I screwed up big time? Did I? OMFG!!! What the hell am I supposed to do? And to think that I did, actually, spent the whole night pacing up and down in my room, without sleep till morning came. I made my decision then. I was firm with it. I refused to back down.
That you certainly did.
Has it come back to haunt me?
Perhaps...
Shit.
I wish I have some lady luck with me. I need it. No kidding.
I wish I have some support. Some advice.
I wish someone or somebody would comfort me. Console me. Be with me. By my side. Assure me that everything will be okay.
Everything will be all right...
It's not your fault. It never was... so be strong...
But what if I really made the wrong choice? At such bad timing?! Pffftt!! Things couldn't get worse than this. Wait. Maybe they could. Oh fuck.
I hate dilemmas. I hate problems. I hate being strong. I hate being tough. I hate being in control. Cause that means making decisions. And if I made the wrong decisions, I'm seriously as good as dead.
What's the use of being the best troubleshooter if I can't solve my own damn problems?
*hopelessness*
*emptiness*
The darkness is all around me. Sometimes, I feel like falling apart. Perhaps permanent malfunction sounds like a good idea after all.
But no. I'm too prideful for that. I'll never go down that path if I can help it.
But really, I'm so tired. So so tired. Tired of the struggles. Tired of works and relationships. Tired of the relentless squabbles, the stupidity of the people that I encounter and deal with, the endless arguments, the senseless talks, the unnecessary pressures from all directions, the sky high expectations. I'm tired of everything. Today, I feel like breaking down, letting the darkness and hopelessness swallowing me alive. Engulfing me in the never-ending suffocation. The feeling of utter helplessness. My energy is draining out. My flames nearly put out for good.
Dear God. What have I done to deserve such endless torrents of onslaught? Enough already. I'm at my limit. I can take no more.
Just let me rest, okay?
I hope tomorrow never comes...
*crawls into bed*
