fucking pissed

I'm pissed beyond description of words. I can't tell you what it is, but I'm just plain downright totally truly goddamn pissed.

My blood is boiling
It's raining heavily out there
The sound of vibrators used by the renovation workers opposite my house is annoyingly loud in the heavy rain

Am I developing some sort of sixth sense?

How can I remain so calm when I'm so goddamn fucking pissed?

I'm changing. In a weird way.

I'm contemplating the idea of starving myself to death when I get back to Sarikei.

How long do you think I can hold on without any food at all?

Yeah, right. Straight after you healed from that fucking goddamn gastric? Get a break.

On top of that, working my ass off sounds superbly wonderful right now.

How long do you think I can stay on working non-stop before I collapse and stop breathing?

I can also try denying myself any sleep at all till I developed these round puffy cute panda eyes. And collapse from the sheer tiredness of it all. Lapsing into comma sounds good too. Niiiccceeeeee....

How long do you think I can stand not having any sleep at all? 2 days straight? 3 days straight? Or maybe 1 week?

Or maybe I can try and drown myself with beer. Come to think of it, I've never got drunk you know? Maybe I should experiment a bit and see how I fare.

How many cans of beer do you think it takes to make me drunk?

Hoo. I really know how to torture my body don't I? This is what I call, my murderous thoughts. It's plain dark and ugly and unbearable. Normally I used all my energy to suppress it from rearing its ugly head from my deepest core. When I'm pissed though, I lost control of all those suppression and all hell breaks loose.

This is hell. At least, close to. No?

Maybe not.

Maybe I should try someting more drastic? Like cutting off my wrist maybe? That would be fun, no? Seeing warm colourful blood oozing out from my very own miserable wrist.

Wei. You siao ar you. What cut wrist?!

I wish I'm siao. Then I'd have license to kill. When I'm prosecuted, I'll just get these certificate or reports from siao Doctors proving that I'm indeed siao so that I don't have to go to jail or sentenced to death.

But then again, if I am to kill anybody, I figure I'll kill myself first. Then no need to bicara lar tiu. Straight go to hell already. Habis cerita. Mahai. This world is no place for me. Ptuiiiii!!!!!!