Warning : Very long and emo post. Get lost now if you can't deal with it.Just got back from a week long trip to Sibu with my family and Uncle. It was supposed to be a vacation of some sort. Turns out that it pumps more pressure into my system or perhaps I was on the verge of explosion.
The trunk road was packed full of morons who drive recklessly, as if the whole stretch of the bloody road belongs to their idiotic parents. You wondering why I called them morons and idiots? Who the fuck drove 30 or 40 km per hour on a highway road? And yeap, they have 13 cars following them up closely, each of them having cooked up enough temperatures to melt a steel! I am one of those who had boiling blood. And I would have just run down those sorry excuses of assholes if I was driving a 20 foot trailers to boot. The morons always switch ON my anger button. Without fail. Ptuiiii!
Maybe I've gone crazy due to over-depression or disappointments. Nothing seems right. Everything has gone wrong. Everything that looks promising, good and feasible has gone terribly wrong. My disappointments gave birth to suicidal thoughts. Funnily enough, I actually considered, seriously, considering the idea of committing suicide; should I hang myself? swallow 1000 tablets of pills? drink pesticide? but pesticides are yucky, so I most probably won't do that. jump off a cliff? or river? or building? would Wisma Sanyan be high enough to give me the last few seconds of exhilarating joy of killing myself? maybe an accident is better, but then I don't want to drag other innocent people into my mess.. perhaps driving a car off the cliff? Too costly. Damn. I can't even decide on methods of committing suicide, let alone the act of committing suicide. Dang!
By now you must have asked yourself, what is the matter with this girl? What could be so bad that she can't handle it? Hmm.. since I haven't been blogging much, perhaps I should list them here, just for the heck of it.
1. Several deals I worked on has gone rotten.
Oookay... that's no biggie, rite? Rite. I thought so myself. I can always work on new deals. Better deals. Improvise. Yeap. I can do that.
2. Business kanasai (means like shit!).
This one's peanut also. No biggie. The economy is really bad now and many people out there are either just recently retrenched, fired, or un-employed. I am currently considered un-employed too. Never mind lar. Won't die what. Right? Right.
3. Mum slipped and fractured her right wrist.
Shit. This is terrible. The fracture was so bad, she needed an operation. To make things worse, it was on her right wrist - she's right handed and that means she uses her right hands a lot. To top that up, it was costly. Normal fractures requires internal fixation. Simply explained, you re-attach all the fractured bones together, screw them up with bolts and nuts or whatever it is that the surgeons use, and voila it would hold and on the way to recovery. Not in my mother's case. At this stage, we found out that she had osteoporosis. =.='' If the above-mentioned procedure is carried out, her bones would fracture into smaller fragments due to extreme porosity. T_T So, external fixation must be done, and it is more expensive and painful but heals faster.
I will blog about the operation in other posts so I'll cut the story short here. Since the operation she needed 6 weeks time for the bones to grow back and to have the external fixation released. In that 6 weeks time, we took turn taking care of her. I stayed with her most of the time cause I wasn't working full time and my time is more flexible. She needed help bathing, changing clothes, grooming and everything else in between that you can think of. I paid the bills, water the plants, ran errands, became her driver and did some of the house chores. My sisters took care of the rest house chores. During those time, we grew extremely tired and she, extremely agitated. She cried a lot, because she was in great pain and her hand was so swollen it hardly resembled a hand. I drove her practically everywhere to 'makan angin' cause Mum loves it and I enjoyed doing it. It took her mind away, just for a while.
6 weeks after the operation it was time to have the external fixation removed. It was such an ordeal I could not help but wince each time she grimaced from the pain. Out came the tears and blood (from her wound). I felt like my heart was out in my hands. The removal was done without any anesthetic and Mum said she could feel the steel grinding with her bones before being removed.
Then came the physiotherapy which is even more painful than before. Since Mum had not moved her right hand and wrist in 6 weeks time, it has gone really stiff and weak. She could not even hold a spoon to feed herself. Physiotherapy is needed to get it back to its normal functions. Again, lots of emo-ing and tears came pouring out and I accompanied her in and out of hospital on weekly basis. The physiotherapy sessions was done twice a week and each of them lasting about 1 to 1.5 hours. It was complete torture and my mum dreaded it.
If you think that's the end, my answer is no. More is to come. Read on.
4. My savings dried up.
By this time, a huge hole has burnt through my savings account. I bought a new pc cuz my laptop died on me and I still have to pay for my car installments. By this time I had only enough to sustain my car's installment. I don't have to pay the loan anymore in another few months time. Petrol is a killer nowadays. I need cash flow terribly. My dad offered financial support several times but I stubbornly turned him down. I can manage on my own, I told him. But deep inside, I was touched with his generosity and compassion. He may disagree with me on many issues, but he supported my decisions in silence and somehow, from deep within, I know he's somewhat proud of me. I'm like a son to him.
5. Friends kanasai (means like shit!).
I have several retard of a 'friends' who insisted that I buy branded presents for them even though they knew I wasn't earning anything. They thought that just because I wasn't working, I'm rich. Dang!
6. Trembling fingers...
My fingers swells on and off with great pain. Sometimes they tremble uncontrollably on their own accord, as if they had just been electrocuted. Using chopsticks became a nuisance. I could not carry heavy things. a 2kg bag feels like 20kg to me. Deep inside, I was greatly depressed. The disappointments and failures upon failures were chopping me, slicing me up deeply, without mercy. I grew tired of hoping, of believing that everything will be all right. It feels like I'm never entitled to success. By then, I couldn't even help my mum in her physiotherapy sessions. I couldn't massage her hand and fingers because doing so inflict similar pains in my own hands. I felt so useless.
7. My dad... passed away suddenly.
This... came as an utter shock. Dad was in good health. He was working, breathing, very much alive. I was getting ready to fetch him from the airport when I got a call from him. I thought it was him. It wasn't. It was a call from his colleague, informing us of the terrible truth. That was the shocking news. He had left us. For the first time in my life, my heart stopped beating. I stopped breathing. Time stopped. No God. No. Not now. Not yet. Why???
My mind could not comprehend. I drove numbly back home while consoling my mum in the car. She was already crying. Bad things happened one after another. Before it was her, now it's Daddy. Maybe it's a prank. Maybe they made a mistake. Maybe it's someone else. Maybe his phone got stolen. Maybe maybe maybes...
I did not shed a tear until the confirmation came. Yes. He had left us to be with Lord. I refused to acknowledge it. I refused to accept it. We packed in a frenzy. I gathered all of my sisters, and drove to Sarikei, regardless of my swollen, burning, painful fingers. That was the worse day of my life.
8. Ex-employer(s) kanasai (means like shit!).
Not long after Daddy's funeral, I received news of employment. My ex-employer seemed to be in favour of hiring me. I thought this was the light at the end of the dark, treacherous tunnel. Perhaps, the cloud will finally part ways and allow the ray of light, of hope to enter my life again. That, wasn't the case.
I found out soon enough that there were conflicts in the employment process. Dark, untrue rumors threatened to ruin my reputation, and they did. I can only pray that God will avenge me for these people had wronged me. They blamed me for their mistakes and incompetence and lost of profit. They created untrue stories, lies upon lies to cover up their ugly truths. The job slipped through my fingers.
9. Relatives kanasai (means like shit!).
Daddy's brothers had the nerve to tell us that we should simply buy the cheapest casket cause he's dead anyway so no point in wasting so much money. We refused and insisted on the best. It was our last chance to buy things for Daddy, our last chance to pay our respects, his last resting place. He had given us so much and we were told to give him as little as possible upon his departure? I could not do that. Not even with a gun pointed at my head. My sisters refused too. Mum wanted the best for Daddy and we all agreed.
Straight after Daddy's funeral ceremony, we headed home. As I had mentioned in one of my previous blog, we had just recently moved into a new house. It is a double storey semi detached house, newly renovated with modern designs and landscaped garden. Not only that, the rest of Daddy's brothers and their families had moved into new houses respectively due to a newly developed piece of land that grants each of them a new house. When they reached our house though, two of my Uncles rushed all over the house inspecting it. Then they rushed upstairs to look at the bedrooms, totally ignoring our dumbfounded looks. They did not even asked for permission to go upstairs. How could they do this? Is this the time for house watching? Don't they care how we feel? Are we statues? Their actions revolted me greatly. I do not want to have anything to do with them in the future.
Those incidents above really burn me alive. Until now, I have not settled down. Life was tough, but this feels like it's climbing a never-ending tough stairs. My mind is still a ball of huge, entangled messy ball with everything jumbled up, packed and highly compressed together. I cannot see straight, think straight. My mind is a raging ocean, the winds are howling, it was cold and dark. I was groping around. I have lost my way, my grip. Everyday was lifeless. This is difficult. I hate this year. I hate the year of golden ox. I'll never forget this fucked up year. I wish I could teleport myself out of this place, this time, this instance. This year sucks and everything in it sucks. When will I see a glimpse of hope? I do not know. I cannot concentrate on anything, and yet I need to settle down. Tell me, what should I do? I feel like such a moron myself for asking that question. Perhaps I have uttered the phrase way too many times, it has somehow etched itself into my life. Maybe I should start asking for a miracle instead, but I doubt that will happen. This is the beauty of life, it is ugly. And one can only knows the meaning of beauty AFTER you have known ugly, because without knowing ugly, there is no way for you to recognize beauty even when you see one. Am I making sense or am I not? This is how my brain looks like right now. Kanasai!
To be continued...
